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Rosstrum Publishing is a division of The Border Company, LLC


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Nashua, New Hampshire

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Out of Pain Comes God’s Peace


Journal Entry – New Year’s Day, 1999


I am overwhelmed! Many times I have been questioned and criticized by the people I love the most—my family and my dear husband—because of the ministry I have to the “least of these.” Only recently has my husband wholeheartedly joined my side and reached out with me to the deeply wounded because of the higher call of God on my life!

I feel so unworthy by the wonder of this call. In coming out of the darkness and going through all the rocky steps of learning, I have made mistakes. I have been cautioned by others, and more importantly, by God Himself. I am beginning to listen more deeply to His Spirit and go directly to Him instead of to others. I daily must confess all my insecurities and failure to Him in prayer. As I go to the Word of God and read the scripture, I gain His wisdom and knowledge to indeed “learn of Him.” He is gradually and gently preparing me for this call. Do I question myself when I feel others are far worthier? Yes, but it is with dependability and in obedience to His Spirit that I am lead.

I have been “checked” and “questioned”—many times to the point of tears—about my call. This call, by God Himself on my life, has been a very difficult one to obey. Then I remember how alone and deserted Jesus was when He carried our pain to the Garden of Gethsemane, and I know that He under-stands.

How could I be cheerful, joyful, encouraging others, giving a cup of cold water in His name (Mark 9:41) when my nights were pain-wracked and I was awakened by God, who was my only portion to meet my insomnia and fear? I was scared and shaking (Psalm 55:5). I was worried and shaking, my pleasant evening became a night of fear (Isaiah 21:4). I would get out of bed and run to Him, like a little child trying to catch a butterfly in the warm summer breeze. I opened my Bible and read:

I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

Isaiah 41:13

 There is no fear in [God’s] love. But [God’s] perfect love drives out [takes away] fear.”

1 John 4:18

 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.”

Psalm 118:6

 He became my very portion, my support, my sanity, my peace, my hope and my security when I had no other support! For too long—from my perspective—His face seemed veiled, and my prayers seemingly went unanswered as I sought His timing, not mine. The next step or door gently opened and there was God, “I AM,” to lead my steps as I trusted Him.

I am awed, humbled and even hesitant to say that God has empowered me with His knowledge and by His Spirit in this ministry. People who do not know Christ, have told me I am psychic. I would not dare to say such a thing. Psychic powers are not from God. His gifts are unique for His children. I am not fearful when I acknowledge that this gift has advanced my spiritual growth and my walk with my Father.

I am a very ordinary human being who has suffered abuse and betrayal, not unlike countless others. God Himself, this Man of Sorrows, who was all alone in the Garden when no one would even pray with Him, has daily prompted my spirit to continue to seek a filling that no human on the face of this earth can provide. It is only the miraculous power of the Holy Spirit that takes away suffering, loneliness, fear, panic attacks and anxiety in the life of this child! He has brought healing out of heartache and insists to my spirit that I should be a channel of love, joy, peace and hope in our broken sin-sick world. He continually assures me not to lose heart, despite my inadequacies, in my one desire to push others—those so desperately needy and lost in this world—to Him. In my passion to share this love as His servant, God can do immeasurably far more than I could ever do on my own as He continually fills my cup.  

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